I can be mad at Colton, hurt by him, but he’s my Alpha right now, and I need to look to him for leadership and keeping us all safe. If all I do is argue and carry a grudge, I’ll make it harder for myself. The pack, this house, this place, it’s where I’m meant to be through this, and I need to put this shit aside and stop thinking about myself for a little while. About how what he did broke my heart when the priority is everyone else and Sierra right now.
“This is not the little sub pack and hide out I imagined it would be.” Doc infiltrates my thoughts, appearing beside me with that soothing English dialect that’s becoming like a warm hug, and I have to smile at that.
“Me either. I knew nothing of what’s happened since I left. It’s crazy.” I shrug, eyeing up the room with a sigh.
“Yes, Colton gave me a condensed version as we wheeled Sierra in. He looks as tired as I feel, and we’re both sagging over here, probably just as eager for a bed as the other to lie down for a little while, but both of us have to be here. Although, I’m rather glad that we ended up in a place that ensures I have time to wake her safely. I don’t need to rush and risk her body going into shock. This was definitely your Fates guiding the way and providing us with ample shelter for a very difficult task.”
“How long do you think that will take?” I ask genuinely, eager to see Colton finally get to reunite with her after all these years. Eyes fall on that beautiful man as he tends to his mom lovingly.
“We’ve come up with a plan to slow down and stop the sedation meds over forty-eight hours, to let her brain come out of the coma of its own accord. We’ll monitor her, keep her stabilized, and adjust as she progresses. She might have a few days of a vegetative state where it seems like we’ve lost her—that’s normal. Eight years is a long time to live in a dream world, and the mind is a complex piece of hardware that sometimes requires a reset period. We’ll just take this as it comes and hope she’ll be one of the rare cases of long-term coma patients to come out and be able to interact within mere days.” He nods, a look of relative confidence on that lowered brow.
“She’s a wolf. I say stack your bets on the positive side.” I perk him up with a cheeky smile, and it gets a little one in return.
“Quite!”
“I don’t know where we go from here.” I point out, nodding at Colton across the room, not meaning just him and me, trying to hide the longing that crosses my face, and Doc nudges me with his shoulder.
“I’m a believer that a good cup of tea and a long chat usually resolve many of life’s issues. Problems that seem overwhelming are sometimes just smoke and mirrors, and getting it all out is sometimes the only way forward.” He raises those bushy, gray brows with a knowing expression, and I nudge him back.
“Like confessing all to a strange girl who fell into your medical facility?” I smirk.
“Exactly. Sometimes you have to throw away your entire life’s work, put your trust in a higher power, no matter how many signs are killing your hopes, and know they won’t steer you wrong if you just stop fighting it.” His eyes stray to Colton, which has the annoying effect of dragging my vision back to him. That strong, upright figure, looking a little too inviting while framed by the light from the lamp over Sierra’s bed. Always so unruffled, even in the face of a storm. He’s solid, calm, and takes it all in his stride.
“Good advice, Doc. Not so easy to follow, but yeah … I guess.” I exhale heavily, feeling hopeless when he’s over there, looking like everything I need to cure me of my eternal agony. “We’ll figure this out together, young lady. After all, you are our savior.” He throws his arm around me awkwardly, squeezes me, and then drops it just as quickly as though he crossed some boundary that threw him well outside of his comfort zone. I get the overwhelming surge of flustered, eccentric cringing at his public display of affection and let out an involuntary giggle.
“I guess I better go white flag the Alpha until we can see where all this is going. Might make life easier if I give him a few days’ grace.” I shrug it out, knowing that Colton probably could use less stress until Sierra wakes up.
“He’s young, headstrong, stubborn like his mother, and still finding his feet in his new role. Go easy on him. He has the world on his shoulders, and he needs a little help in holding it up. His head is not quite where it should be.” He glances at him and then off to the femme medic across the other side, who waves him to her.
I nod, taking the hint, and push off to walk toward Colton, leaving Doc to wander back to the femme in the corner, pouring over some clipboard as she jots things down.
I take a leveling breath, push all my riots of feelings into one tiny box, and sit on them for now. Determined to be civil and not let everything ooze out of me while he needs a friend. I approach him from behind, and like in the truck, he’s so zoned in on his mom that he doesn’t acknowledge me coming close until I get right up beside him and lean in to look at her. Eyeing her up now that she’s settled in here, and it’s odd, but I swear she has more color to her pallor and her hair looks a little shinier. It’s almost like she knows she isn’t alone anymore, that she’s surrounded by her people and their love, even if it sounds ridiculous.
Seeing them together like this highlights how much he looks like her now he’s an adult. He always had her strong DNA with the same profile, small nose, and perfect bone structure of two very beautiful people. The dark hair, and straight brows, although Sierra is noticeably pale compared to Colton’s tan, he has all year round. She is lithe and feminine in her build, though, and Colton, well, he’s your typical muscular, tall, and built Alpha type. He has more muscles than brains sometimes, and he has a nice ass.
A nurse pushes a stool up behind me with a smile and nod, and I take it gratefully, sitting beside Colton and trying hard not to reach out to touch him. He looks so lost in the moment, eyes fixated on her. So many thoughts must be running through his head. It’s like watching a pained child trying to figure something out, and that maternal instinct in me revs up a thousand watts and makes sitting here unbearable.
“I can’t believe she’s really here ... that’s she’s real. The times I have dreamed of seeing her again.” He whispers it, that sexy voice low and rough, alerting me that he’s aware I’m beside him after all, and I relax into the seat, propping my feet up on the bar and leaning towards him slightly. I am suddenly consumed with fierce protectiveness over him when he seems this vulnerable.
“I’m just glad that we got her here. That you came when I found her.” What else can I say? Nothing I can add right now will ease the tension as we wait, and he knows everything I do about all of this.
“How could he do this to her? How could he not love her the way he was supposed to?” His eyes run back to her face, once again strokes her hair, and he’s so lost in his feelings that he overlooks my sarcastic eyebrow lift and tilted chin gesture I give him.
That’s an excellent question, Colton. You might know, given you clearly have the same flaws! Why couldn’t you?
I shake it out of my head before he senses my attitude, scolding myself for such an impulsive response, but still, he is dense sometimes. I know this projecting crap will only make me mad, and I don’t bite or say it out loud, but goddamn it, Colton. Really?
I know he doesn’t need this right now, so I sigh it away, breathe slowly, count to ten, sit a little taller, and focus on what he needs instead. Reminding myself that this is bigger than us, I have to be less irate.
“He betrayed the mate bond; he doesn’t deserve her.” I point out flatly, then curse myself under my breath for still pushing it out there, even if I didn’t mean to. It’s like everything we are saying is so damned obvious, yet Colton doesn’t even click. He doesn’t move or react, just that same silent, fixed stare as he watches her breathe, eyes on her closed lids, and sits. I feel like screaming and hitting him over the head with the nearest hard object, but instead, I stare at the ceiling for a minute and let it pass. Sooo slowly.
“I should have found her a long time ago, before any of this. I should have looked harder, but I was young and stupid, and I
believed my father when he said it was for the best.”
Oh, for the love of God! I mean, when you decide to avoid a topic and they just keep pushing it between us like some sort of annoying sign, it grates a tiny bit. I give up, eye-roll upwards at the Fates, and mentally ask them if this is deliberate.
That heartbreak and rawness in his croaking tone, though, finally tell me how much his father’s betrayal is screwing him up, and I focus all my energy on that and not the universe trying to make me smother him with his hoody. I instinctively wrap my arm around his, hoping contact will keep me from heinous beatings, and lean my head on his shoulder, trying to blank them out. He’s still trying to shield me but, this close, he’s failing to do it fully, and I can feel it inside me. I want to ease his pain as it flows through me and circles around my own heart and stomach.
It’s heavy, deep, and consuming, and I forget everything about being upset or angry with him. I slide my flattened palm along his arm instinctively, cover the back of the hand he has laid on his mom’s, and entwine my fingers in his so we hold hands on top of hers. Colton turns his head with my contact and rests his chin and mouth on top of my hair, pushing in against me, so we’re half cuddling but not really, just touching, leaning together, and for once, I don’t push him away or feel the need to jump out of proximity. We both exhale simultaneously, a heavy releasing of tension, hurt, and energy, as we sag together, and everything pauses for a second. That calm silence his touch always brings me.
I can feel him feeding off me, soothing him slightly with my touch as an imprinted mate should, and I close my eyes and enjoy the stolen moment I’m allowing myself. I can push everything aside and pretend that it’s okay to be what he needs when it’s about her when the topic isn’t us, and markings, and anything other than being a support for someone who needs it.
“I don’t know how to lead, Lorey. These people, this pack. I’m just a kid. I’m not ready.” The devastation and self-doubt rip through me as it emanates from him, and I look up from my nestled position, shifting to see his face without breaking away. Hating that he feels so out of whack, and the classic, confident rock I’ve come to depend on is wavering.
“You’re a born leader. Maybe it seems hard right now, and things aren’t clear, but you are the best for your people, Colton. Look around. They’re here with you. You did this. Safe, protected, you stood up and made a stand for them against someone you love. You put them first, always. The good of the pack it’s always your primary focus, even when other things get in the way. How can you doubt that? It’s what makes you the strongest kind of leader!” I praise him with honesty, heartfelt, and hushed, as I whisper the words he needs to remember. How he can doubt himself this way is beyond me. Everything I know about him makes it obvious; he was always going to be the best kind of Alpha. He is!
“Maybe I just want to be a selfish kid. Who took the girl he wanted and walked away, and screw all this. I should have left with you. Belonged with you wherever you went.” He sounds defeated, and I know this isn’t him. This is a tired and uncertain guy who has had a lot thrown at him. In one day, his ex-mate resurfaces, dragging his long-lost mom along, and he finds out his father kept her prisoner after murdering his people and destroying the life he thought he knew.
It hurts to hear him say it, feel it. The regret of what happened with us, even while I’m trying to ignore it. The tears bite at my eyes, and a lump forms in my throat that almost chokes me, inflicting a unique body and brain ache that’s hard to shake off.
“Maybe you should have, but you would never have forgiven yourself. You made the choices you made for the pack's good, even if it hurt us. If you left them, he would never have relinquished control, and they would suffer still. The Fates had a plan, and maybe leaving with me would have changed my path and never led me to her. And what about her? You’ve waited for her for ten years; she needs you. They all do. I finally see how this is so much bigger than us, Colton. Why it had to be that we couldn’t be together. It was by design, and we did what we were meant to, even you when you rejected me.” I nod at Sierra, my voice strained with my undercurrents of agonizing emotions, knowing that all of this is his pain talking and the desire to run away from everything hurting him. A typical fight-or-flight response and I felt the same when I learned about all of it. I still feel this way. To run and bury my head and wish it’d been different. It’s fear, overwhelming, but it’s pointless, and running won’t fix any. Juan has to pay. The balance has to be restored, and Sierra needs her son. Colton needs to lead.
Colton sighs slides his arms under me fully, picks me up, surprising me with the sudden maneuver, and drags me to his lap where he wraps around me. He buries his head under my chin, against my chest, so I have no other option than to hold him, taking from me what he needs, even if he should have asked first. I relent and wrap him up in a hug, be the strength he’s lacking while doubt and heartbreak consume him. It’s awful, and yet the best thing, to allow myself to be this way for a while, even if it confuses my heart.
“The people, the war, the future—it’s all interwoven. Us, your mom, your dad, we can’t run away from this even if we wanted to. We’re part of it, even in our mistakes and heartbreak. The Fates know what they’re doing, and for whatever reason they did this to us, it’ll make sense in time.” I run my fingers through his thick, short hair, stroking it back and soothing him against me. Caring for him, giving him what I can as it stirs up all kinds of longings and warm sensations in the pit of my stomach, being connected to him like this.
“I denied the Fates, Lorey. Maybe I was meant to find her with you, by your side. Maybe I screwed everything up by rejecting you.” He squeezes me harder, pulling me closer, so I end up almost entirely entangled in his body. It starts to feel inappropriate and way too intimate as I naturally fit up against him in the hollow of his lap. Especially with my ass nestling in his groin, I’m fully aware he’s carrying a pretty healthy package because it’s now somehow worked its way into a position where it’s wedged in between my ass cheeks and distracts from the heavy feelings of this scenario. Distraction at its finest, a pretty sizeable one at that, and I try to focus back on what I’m meant to, but it’s not easy.
My eyes scan the room for signs of Carmen crashing in here because of my guilty libido as my nether regions tingle. I’m heating up with being this close, skin sizzling, and stomach flipping over at something so innocent. I don’t seem to control it now when all I can focus on is the fact I can feel it through his pants and mine, and it’s impressive.
It’s not like I haven’t seen it when he’s turned from wolf to human again. It’s just that when he’s standing up, and there’s a lot of abs, pecs, and muscles all leveling out the eye candy, you don’t size up what you don’t want to get caught looking at. I looked that one time accidentally, and it was memorable.
I wriggle to get his ‘situation’ from under me, not that it’s reacting much. It’s that I’m painfully aware of it through thin sweats, and once your head goes somewhere like that, it’s hard to get it back out of the gutter. I’ve been having lucid pornographic dreams about him these past weeks while out there alone, but the reality feels a lot more ... substantial and within grasp. Swallowing hard, trying to bring my mind and hearing back, but failing badly.
I blush crazily, aware I’m being a freak. Heat spreading up from my boobs, neck, and cheeks makes me sweat instantly and overheat so that I must be visibly turning rosy. Scared to put my hand anywhere, and flinch anytime I feel an ounce of movement under me while trying to avoid looking down or directly at him, and subtly attempting an escape from impalement without drawing attention to it. Becoming that awkward, sex-starved teen virgin you read about in young adult romance books.
“I don’t think they ever intended you to be with me. This is where you’re needed. They wouldn’t give you a role if they didn’t think you could do it.” My words are rushed, babbling mainly, cheeks flushing, and breathless. Focusing on sliding sideways like some sad little untouched having a freak-out because he has a penis, and I just realized I’m sitting on it. Distracted from the gravity of what we’re talking about because Colton is making me … hot.
That’s the word! Really, really hot. Squirmy. My whole body is pulsating with need now that it’s caught on to what’s happening. I think I’m experiencing my first full-on hormonal breakdown, full haze mode, and craving things I shouldn’t.
My wiggling seems to change the atmosphere a little, and the way he frowns at me as he sits up and glances down at my weird moving in his lap says it all. I react by looking much like a rabbit caught in the headlights, widening my eyes in embarrassment, and try to smile, albeit weirdly, at him to distract him from the fact I’m trying to dislodge my butt from his manhood. I feel like an idiot and slide straight back into his groin with a minor bump that extracts a twinge of movement that makes me gasp lightly. I ignite a semi now that he’s aware of where my thoughts are and my grinding on it unintentionally.
Oh, my God. I didn’t mean to, and now, it’s like the elephant in the room, and I spaz out mentally. Freak out fully. Completely flustered, flushed face, I know I’m probably crimson from chin to roots, and my movements are clumsy. It feels bigger like this, and it intimidates me a lot more now I can feel it getting hard and probing my ass way more.