Alex
I felt like a moody teenager. I’d come straight home to Greece after Chloe left, dropped my luggage on the floor and barricaded myself in my woodworking room. I spent hours in there, working away small things: a music box, a new blanket chest for Marie, and I’d finally started on restoring a few of my grandfather’s pieces like the old bed and his secretary desk. I’d given myself a million splinters while moving everything and had to be reminded more than once that other people lived in this house and also needed to sleep.
Peter came and went, pointedly ignoring me until he brought over the young woman he was seeing, Lena Kokkinos. She seemed to like him and stayed for dinner with us. I didn’t mind, but I couldn’t help the feeling that Peter wasn’t as interested in her as she was in him. She was polite enough and she fawned over Peter in such a way that I almost felt nauseated sitting next to them. Marie adored her, she even cooked dinner for her instead of inviting her out to some place.
I stood in the kitchen, preparing tea while Lena and Peter were cuddled on the couch. It was taking all my self-control to not pout about the fact that he had a girlfriend while I had never felt lonelier. There was no reason for me to be jealous of him, but here I was, a grown man getting annoyed about not having a date. And by my son of all people. I was happy for him, but I was somewhat bitter that I had to have everyone else’s happiness rubbed in my face while I was forever doomed to be alone. It just made me scowl at the blue and white tile backsplash.
“Are you trying to boil the water just by staring at it?” Marie asked, making me jolt in surprise. “Zander, what’s wrong with you lately? You’re going to cut a finger off in there if you keep daydreaming like that.”
“I was just thinking about work,” I answered as I finally turned the kettle on. “It’s been stressful lately.”
She took two teacups out of the cabinet and reached for the sugar. “You should take some time off.”
The tone of her voice told me it wasn’t a simple suggestion, but that she was probably ready to beat me over the head for being an annoying bastard lately if I didn’t. But I was in the mood for an argument. “So that I can watch our son stain the sofa with his girlfriend? I’d prefer not.”
“He’s not a murderer, I think I’d know that by now.”
“Blood wasn’t the bodily fluid I was referring to.”
Her elbow connected directly with my ribs and I let out a bark of laughter that made the kids turn around in confusion. Marie glared daggers at me while she filled the cups and I couldn’t stop my wheezing laugh. She was so easy to rile up. However, I was polite enough to carry the drinks to the back deck with us and then down to the firepit. I grabbed the matchbook to lit the pit, the extra dry wood caught almost instantly and I watched as the flames engulfed the kindling.
Mike was gone again tonight, off visiting his mother in hospice. Marie was usually overbearing when he was gone, but with Peter here she was marginally calmer. We sat next to each other silently while watching the fire swallow up another log, I glanced at her every now and then, noticing the way the glow made her hair a darker red. She didn’t look much different from when we’d gotten together; her hair was still red, but now it was a brilliant, unnatural color as opposed to the soft orange waves she had when we’d met, she’s gained some weight after having Peter, but it suited her, it made her features softer. I always thought she was beautiful and it made me more than a little bit sad to think that we never had another baby. I would have liked to have a little girl too.
I liked to pretend that I was okay with the divorce, that the affair was understandable even, but none of it was true. That was part of the reason I fought so hard against telling Chloe about my family, so that I wouldn’t have to live through that humiliation again. My stomach twisted at the thought of her, and I had to set my cup aside. Glykia mou, I’m sorry. Sorry for not having the strength to tell her that I was embarrassed, that I had let my guard down and fallen for her so quickly and without restraint, that I didn’t immediately fight for her to stay because it scared me.
It didn’t scare me when I fell for Marie, not until it was too late and I discovered I was the only one that had those feelings.
“It’s nice to see Peter with someone,” Marie remarked softly.
I hummed in noncommittal agreement. He’d been with many someone’s, she just didn’t like acknowledging that.
“Maybe you could give him some time off to spend with her.”
“He owns the company; he can take as much time off as he wants.”
She glanced at me. “I’m sure he’d feel better about it if his father encouraged it.”
No. He was twenty-four, he didn’t need my approval for taking time off work. “If Peter wants to step away for a little while, he can, that’s his choice,” I reiterated.
“What I’m trying to say is that you should give him your approval,” she retorted. “It could be good for both of you.”
“Peter doesn’t need my approval; he doesn’t need yours either. Just let him be.”
“Oh, you’re such a prat sometimes.”
I rolled my eyes. This argument was nothing new, and we’d probably have it until one of us was six feet under – giving Peter approval to do anything. I was of the opinion that unless he came to me directly to seek an opinion, I wouldn’t divulge one. I wanted him to know that he was in charge of his life, Marie felt like we should still be guiding him on what choices to make. There wasn’t anything strictly wrong with her ideas, but her meddling wasn’t allowing him to grow up.
Fireflies were scattered around the field around us, their lights blinking in and out lazily among the tall grass and trees. I would have liked to bring Chloe here; I think she’d have liked the view.
“So, how long are you planning on staying this time?” Marie asked. “You know Mike will be coming home soon.”
“You could take Mike back to Mykonos now that the renovations are finished,” I pointed out.
“I will, but I want to stay here with Pete a while longer, and this is about you, not him.”
“I’ll stay as long as I want,” I teased. “What does it matter, are you trying to get rid of me?”
She sighed and set her cup aside with a loud clink. “I’m asking because you just up and leave and I’d like some warning this time.”
“I don’t know. The girl I was seeing left and hasn’t called me since then.” And now I need to go and play a moody pop song to feel better, I thought with a sneer.
“Your new one?”
I nodded and slouched down as I fiddled with the band of my watch. I should have called her.
“What did you do?”
“I made an insensitive comment and she didn’t appreciate it.”
Marie laughed and I felt her hand on my arm. “You look like you just got rejected to a school dance. I’m sure you’ll find another one.”
I don’t want another one. Chloe was supposed to be my last, but this wasn’t the ending I’d been expecting. There was a lot unfinished between us and I wouldn’t be happy until I set it straight. “I don’t think I want another one.”
“Then you can look for a girlfriend instead, and I know this woman from Dublin, she is so kind—”
“No thank you.”
“Why not?
“I don’t need you to set me up on a date,” I replied flatly. “The papers aren’t even finalized; I don’t like the idea of going on dates while still legally married.”
“But prostitutes are completely fine,” she said dryly.
“That’s different.”
“Well, either way, if you hadn’t been piss-arsing around with your lawyer and moving the hearings, then we could already be divorced.”
I didn’t like this conversation any better. I didn’t want to speed the process up, it already felt like it was flying by. It was depressing to think that Marie couldn’t wait to get away from me, and while I’d known that was the case for years now, it still hurt to hear out loud.
“Have you called her?” she asked suddenly. “She might be waiting for you instead.”
“No, I don’t think she wants to hear from me.” I didn’t tell Marie that I had contemplated flying down there and showing up on her door with flowers, ready to grovel at Chloe’s feet. I’d even called a florist to see if they could get me some pink and green calla lilies, her favorite.
“Do you miss her?”
Every day. “Yes.”
“Then call her and stop whining about it. I’ve never seen you look so pathetic.”
I lolled my head back and looked up at the stars. She had such beautiful a way with words and her posh accent just made it sting even more. “Thank you, that really makes me feel better.”
“Well, it’s true.” She paused. “Tell me about her.”
I scoffed. “Why would I do that? All you’ll do is ridicule me some more.”
“Because we never get to sit and talk like this and I think it would be nice to know what’s going on in your life.”
I was quiet for a moment, mulling over her words. When Marie wanted to be, she could be kind, even thoughtful, and it was times like this that reminded me there wasn’t always yelling and fighting. Sometimes we had been happy. We were just happier apart now.
“I met her through one of my other girls,” I told her finally. “She likes nature and poetry. She also likes to argue with me.”
“Of course she does, you wouldn’t like her otherwise.”
I smiled to myself and glanced at Marie who was watching me with an inquisitive look. “She had these mood swings that kept me on my toes, but I was able to calm her down and that felt good.” I paused and looked down at my hands. “She was very shy when I met her, she’s really come out of her shell.”
“What did you say to make her leave?”
I shook my head. “I made her feel insignificant, that’s all I’m going to say about it.”
Marie hummed thoughtfully and turned away as she looked out over the fire. “You’re prone to that.”
“Apparently so.”
“But she’d forgive you if you tried.”
But you didn’t. “How would you know that?”
“Our problems were different, they weren’t some petty fight one time. That sort of thing with her is fixable, one comment one time won’t kill off a relationship.”
“I still can’t see her forgiving me easily, not if she was like we were.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s young,” I said quietly. “Younger than Peter.”
Marie’s voice suddenly took on a warning almost angry tone. “How much younger?”
“She just turned nineteen.”
Marie sucked in a sharp breath. “You’re joking, tell me you’re joking.” When I didn’t say anything, she shook her head again. “Bloody hell, Zander. What are you trying to do with a child?”
“She isn’t a child.”
“Fine, a teenager then. Give me one good reason to fool around with a girl that’s barely out of school.”
I had none. “I like her, she liked me. Isn’t that enough?”
“No, it isn’t,” she snapped. “She hasn’t done anything with her life yet, she hasn’t seen the world or been in a long-term adult relationship yet. All she’s had is you and at that age she’d be trying to prove she isn’t a kid anymore.”
“I know.”
“You don’t know!” she continued, this time her voice rising. “You have absolutely no idea what that’s like! Her entire life is ahead of her and you just want to swoop in there and steal it before she has a chance to live it.”
“Is this about her or is it about you?” I demanded. “Because I can’t change what happened and I’ve done everything I can to take care of you and Peter.”
She stood up briskly and clutched her sweater tighter, her knuckles becoming white. “All I can say is that I hope this one has the brains to not get pregnant.”
A lump formed in my throat as I watched her leave, heading back up the house and leaving me beside the dying fire. I would spend the rest of my life making up for my missteps, and I would do whatever it took to make what was left of my family happy. I was good at that, it usually just involved leaving them alone.
Her pregnancy would always hang over my head, watching her family ostracize her had been a punishment for both of us, but my family doing the same was what pushed us to the brink. I still always thought of Peter as a blessing, even if bringing him into this world had put a lot of stress on everyone around us. Even now, I wouldn’t mind if Chloe came running to me with an unexpected pregnancy, maybe that would make it easier to rip the Band-Aid off and introduce her to my life, to open up the way she wanted me to. But then again, having a baby with Marie didn’t exactly prove to be a benefit to our relationship. And Chloe did have her entire life ahead of her, I wouldn’t want to take that from her.
Still, Marie’s words ate at me. Why did I want Chloe around so badly? What was it about her that got under my skin and wouldn’t allow me to forget her? Why was I so certain that I loved her? I’d loved a lot of women, and slowly, one by one, they’d all left me behind. Ma had left with Daphne, Marie had gone with Mike, Amelia kept her distance because I couldn’t open myself back up. Chloe also left because I wouldn’t open up. Something had to give eventually.
Even as I thought about it, I knew what I wanted to do.
I looked back at the house and then down at my phone. No one inside would care if I left again, they all had better things to do. I grabbed my phone and dialled my assistant. I wouldn’t mope anymore, I wouldn’t miss her, I would go back and try this again, because in a way, Marie was right. Chloe was young, she was impulsive, and I needed to remember that, just like she needed to remember that I was old and set in my ways. But I wasn’t ready to lose her, not yet, and I was willing to fight to keep her in my life a while longer. Just a little longer.