“You look pretty. Chin up, be confident, and let me handle it if we get mobbed for questions.” Jyeon picks up my hand by the wrist and envelopes it in his arm, so I hook onto him. His touch causes the same butterflies to stir, and I swallow it down. A cozy partnering to face this damn sea of employees and press at this stupid event. I want to pull myself free, but I know it’s futile. He’s in show mode, just like a million times in the past when we presented a happy marriage to the public eye, and it weighs heavily on me. To be back here with something so stupid.
I’m tense, as far from relaxed as I can get, and I’m overly aware of him and his presence this evening. I’m emotional and feeling raw and can’t seem to pick a mood to stick with. I’m swinging from upset to angry and then teetering on irritation.
I must keep reminding myself that all of this is for my own sake. My freedom, my inheritance, my being able to find closure and putting the past behind me once and for all. I can go home when this is over and live without the fear of one day being discovered. I know I made the right choice not to return and finally let my feelings for this man go. Tie it up with a bow and say so long, once and for all.
“You’ve been quiet since I picked you up. Are you okay?” Jyeon nudges against me with his arm, bringing me out of my thoughts, and I sigh heavily. Avoiding his gaze and the way his comforting scent invades my space.
“My mind has been a mess lately. I have so many thoughts and fragments that I’m trying to piece together. Things are coming to me in broken shards. It’s exhausting.” It’s not exactly a lie.
“Tell me what you need me to do. Whatever it is, so I can help.” Jyeon pulls me with him towards the closed doors of the main hall on OLO’s ground floor. A room reserved for huge gatherings like today, and I hesitate as he yanks the first one open slightly. I can hear the hustle and bustle side already, as most employe Mingling and well-wishers with the added open staring of this dead woman showing face. We used to do this every five years, so it’s not my first rodeo. I know what to expect.
“Be honest. No matter how hard that may be. I won’t remember if I’m given flawed versions of the past. Don’t lie to me.” I’ve been weighted down and semi-depressed since we got home from the market. Plagued by conflicting emotions and thoughts about her and him. About what he feels for me if what she said is true. I pathetically let her get under my skin; now
The glee I felt over putting that woman in her place has been replaced by a black cloud the entire time I was getting ready, and I absentmindedly hold his arm a little tighter as she comes back to the forefront, unaware of my nervous mannerisms.
“I haven’t lied. I don’t need to. Anything you want to know, ask me. I promise not to sugarcoat the truth.” I feel his eyes on the side of my face and catch his frown in my peripheral vision. Trying my best to ignore it and will him to pull the door further so we can move. “What is it you think I’ve lied about? Tell me so I can address it. I don’t want misunderstandings between us.”
Such a contrast to two years ago then. When he refused to be honest about her, now he seems so honest and right to the point as though he might mean it. Except her words are in my head.
It’s not love. It’s guilt.
“How long did it go on? How long did you lie and hide things from me? How did it start? Why did it start?” It comes out all by itself, and Jyeon halts mid-step before we get through the door he’s holding half-open. His entire manner stiffens, and I know he gets what I mean. “I saw her today… she was pretty vocal about a few home truths. Raised a lot of questions about what this is… what you feel about me. About why you might think you want to start again with me. About my unimportance to you in the grand scheme of things.” My voice is laced with bitterness, and Jyeon lets the door go to swing closed and steps back, pulling me with him. He turns to me, somber, as he tilts my face to his with a hand on my jawline.
“If you want to do this now, maybe we should go to my office. Somewhere private and quiet.” He glances around the milling people in the hall coming this way who are also heading into the happy event, and I bite my lip and take a steadying breath.
“Forget it. Let’s just do this.” I slide my hand out of his arm to reach for the door, brushing away his touch on my face, but I’m caught by surprise as he slides an arm around my waist and tugs me aside away from it.
“I think neither of us will enjoy the event until we discuss this. I want to know exactly what she said. What bullshit she’s put in your head! Set some things straight.” Jyeon’s tone disintegrates a little, and there’s a definite hint of anger simmering below the surface. I’m not sure if it’s for her or me, though.
“I don’t think….” My refusal is cut off by him tugging me forward, wrapping me in against his side so I cannot protest, and he forcibly walks us across the hall to the nearby bank of elevators not far from where we are. A few eyes stray our way and the apparent whispers, but Jyeon doesn’t seem to care or notice. I guess because he knows no employee would be stupid enough to say anything out loud or interrupt us. Carrying gossip would get them fired. Besides, I’m still his legal wife, and he, in their eyes, has every right to touch me.
He presses the first panel we come to, then slides his hand inside his jacket to pull out his cell phone, releasing me to wait for our lift. Eyes on what he’s doing, I sink onto my heels and wait patiently. My face is starting to warm because I know this is probably the worst thing for my heart today. Ditching what he deemed an essential event for another heart-to-heart with this man. I don’t know why I keep allowing it.
“Hey, it’s me. Are you in OLO right now?.......... Good, come to my office immediately.” He snaps at whoever is on the other end with no hint of friendliness and hangs up without saying goodbye. I narrow my eyes at him in suspicion, guessing who it might be.
“Are you making her come up to your office too?” I balk at the fact, shaking my head at him. Not sure what his motive is.
“Maybe I should have done this sooner and cleared up any confusion and doubt. Whatever is said between you two should have me there to verify whether it’s true or not.” He grits his teeth, tensing his handsome jawline, yet this grates on me, and my temper sizzles. I wonder how deep it’s gone in two years, the coziness and familiarity between them.
Is he best buddies with her now?
“If only you were this considerate two years ago, and maybe we wouldn’t be here now.” I bite without thought and realize by the snap of his head and how he looks at me that he reads into what I said a little too much.
“You remember something?” He frowns at me, his eyes homing in on mine, and I curse under my breath. I clamp my mouth shut, and chin nod towards the door sliding open before us, walking into the space without answering him and moving to one side. Despite my meaning to let memories come back slowly, this is not the time and not the topic I want to admit to knowing every detail.
“Sohla?” Jyeon follows me, looking for an answer, and I shrug at him, avoiding his gaze and waiting until he presses a button for his floor. It’s been two whole years since I set foot in his office, and it’s giving me weird anxiety. I don’t know why.
He sighs heavily, stands beside me, and keeps glancing my way, but neither says anything, and we get to the top floor fast. Walking out together, I let him lead the way down the old familiar corridor to his commanding space. He seems to sense I don’t want physical touch and doesn’t attempt it.
My eyes stray as we walk past the door that used to be mine, and I inhale sharply at seeing my name is still on the smooth surface. A metal embellished rectangular signage I picked myself, and from the view through the glass panel beside it, it looks like my office hasn’t changed one bit.
My desk, chair, and bookcases, and I catch a glimpse of my favorite art piece on the wall as we pass by quickly. One I bought at auction to match the décor of that room. My pulse elevated, my palms instantly clammy, and my heart thunders through my chest with sheer panic at being so close to a space that holds everything I was. It feels like a black hole that might suck me in at any moment.
Much like my bedroom in the manor, my office is another shrine to my memory. Untouched and kept clean, I cast my eyes at his straight, strong back and follow him in silence. My heart is throbbing, and my mind is messy. Thinking of the importance of that detail when I know, unlike the house, Jyeon has complete control of what happens at OLO. Mother may have retained my bedroom, but this is all Jyeon.
“In here.” Jyeon opens the familiar heavy wooden door, missing its stationed receptionist as all employees are downstairs enjoying free food. He pulls aside to let me wander in, and it’s a relief to see he’s updated this space. The uptight sense of déjà vu doesn’t happen because it no longer feels like Jyeon’s office in OLO HQ. It’s nothing like it used to be and doesn’t feel like walking into another time warp.
I glance around at the grey décor, the new furnishings, and the complete lack of memories of before. The couch has changed. Even the curtains and wall art. It’s a similar layout, and the couch area is still in the hollow space past his desk, but it doesn’t feel like walking back two years ago to face the same bitch here. I was subconsciously afraid of reenacting the first time I saw her here. A mirror to the past where she walks in on us cozily chatting on the couch.
“Drink?” Jyeon guides me to the seats with a hand on the small of my back, and I shake my head before picking the closest chair and sinking into it. Placing my bag on the center coffee table and avoiding his eyes as they sweep over me. He walks off to bring a water jug and glasses and lays them down in the center before sitting opposite me, giving me space because I guess he realizes I might need it.
“So……?” I break the silence. Awkward about this now we’re here and pull the nearest cushion to my lap to pick at it. This fidgeting habit I picked up these past couple of years is annoying, to say the least. I dodge him, no longer confident about doing this at all. That’s if I ever was.
“It lasted a month. A chance meeting. My ego was brushed by someone chasing me……. God, I can’t believe I’m telling you this … I’m ashamed.” Jyeon fidgets, his hands hanging between his legs because he’s sat forward to perch his forearms on his thighs, and the tension between us gets thicker. “I told myself I didn’t love you. I wanted some happiness in my life. I let myself be pulled away by the possibility of something else. It was barely beginning when you disappeared.”
“You hated me that much?” My voice breaks, choking me as I say it, and my heart contracts painfully. My hands are getting cold because this is making me uptight.
“I thought I did, yeah. I pushed any thoughts of remorse aside and told myself it was because I was doing something shameful. Going against my morals and nothing to do with you. Guilt, doubts…regret…I made excuses to myself to ignore all of it and yet only got angrier at you for having that kind of hold over my emotions.” He runs one hand through his black hair, messing his styled bangs, so it flops over his forehead, and I glance away again. Unable to look at him when he’s saying these things. It’s hard enough to remember it all, let alone have him admit the details.
“So, I found out….. when? Midway? The end?” I pick at my natural long nails and stare at my lap, resting my hands on the cushion before me. My pulse is racing, and my breathing is getting shallower as my stress levels elevate.
“You seemed to suspect real fast. Maybe two weeks after it started, maybe before. You confronted me around four weeks in, with pictures showing up at Claire’s apartment.” Jyeon rubs his face, making a noise like he’s blowing out air, and rotates his shoulders. All his tells me that he’s finding this extremely stressful, yet I’m bleeding inside.
Why couldn’t we have sat like this back then and done this before it all went to shit? This honesty and frankness. Laying it all out in the open with no blame and no excuses. We needed to have this conversation before letting go of all of this to live elsewhere.
“I remember….” I murmur it softly. I do not intend to admit that here and now, but I don’t want him to keep explaining the things I already have ingrained in my soul and making this worse. It’s too deep a wound to probe. His version is only conjuring up painful visions in my mind’s eye.
“What? You …… what do you remember?” Jyeon pauses, his voice cracking slightly, his face draining of color, and his skin even pales on his hands. Seemingly shocked and nervous about how my knowledge will change how I see him.
“I remember her apartment and seeing you there. I remember crying and …… I don’t know. I told you. Fragments and feelings and …… stuff.” My courage dies, shaking my head, tone strained and low, and it’s easier to act confused, shrugging it off and pretending it’s another fleeting glimpse. Saying it out loud will make me cry, and I don’t want to in front of them when she shows up. He can’t know that this is still as raw as back then, and it kills me because my heart never forgot him.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry…… I mean it. For then, for that, for everything. For having an affair and hurting you. For betraying you, our history together, and breaking our vows. For asking for a divorce and being a cold bastard when you were clearly in pain. For the entire way I handled everything.” His voice rasps, genuine upset evident, and he sniffs as his eyes glaze over, and he hangs his head in shame. Unable to look me in the eye.
“If I could go back to then, knowing what I do now, I would take it back and work on us. Sohla, I know you don’t believe me and don’t trust me….. but I lost you… No trace, no idea if you were alive. You were just gone. That changed everything for me... This huge empty black hole left where you used to be, sucked everything out of me, bringing it home how much I relied on your presence in my life. How much I needed you. How much I was lying to myself about my feelings for you.” He doesn’t look at me, staring at his fingers while I watch his broken expression, and somehow it makes me feel better. Holding off my misery. Seeing his visual pain that mirrors mine.
“I want to believe you, I really do. You have no idea. This is all confusing for me and painful. There are so many questions that are making me crazy. The accident….. I don’t know how to feel about any of you, and I never asked to come back here.” My tears finally break, and one rolls warmly down my cheek so that I swipe it away with the back of my hand and sniff to curb anymore. Jyeon looks up, sees my upset, and reaches for the tissue box on the table to push toward me. “She said it’s guilt…. that you believed I did this because of you, and once you get used to me being around again, you’ll realize it’s never been love, and you’ll move on. All you need is closure.”
“That’s bullshit!” Jyeon snaps, jerking his chin up to look me in the eye, and it’s a frowning flash of anger at my words. “I know how I feel. I know how hellish these two years have been and my inability to believe you were dead. How many nights, for weeks, months, I didn’t sleep and was tormented by everything I said to you that last night. Memories of us. Hating myself…. longing for you. I just wanted you to walk back in that door, even if you loathed me. I wanted you home with me. I needed so badly to hear your voice, see your face….. smell your perfume. Nothing could take away the way it hurt or the insane emptiness without you.”
The heaviness between us brings a sudden silence, and we both stare at the tissue box on the coffee table as a point of focus. With tears washing down my face, silently creeping across my skin, I have no control over them. Him holding back his own and trying to keep himself pulled together in front of me. He was never a crier.
There’s a chap at the door, a rapid knock, and I tense up. Aware of who this invader is and cast him a glance of apprehension. Jyeon frowns as though regretting his decision to ask her to come here and then straightens up and seems to look taller and calmer instantly. I guess because we’re finally talking this out, it’s not something we ever did in our past when it came to feelings.
“Come in,” Jyeon commands loudly and wipes his eyes with his hand, smoothing his hair back. Clearing his throat, sniffing away evidence of how much he’s suffering through this and exhales slowly to pull himself back together. I don’t even try to do the same as I’m exhausted and unwilling to fight her on this. I’m done battling this bitch, and I’m weary of how much of a rollercoaster my life has become since he walked into the Tarry Shack.
The past is in reverse. I hear the footsteps clip-clopping across the marble floor as she approaches, and without looking up can feel her eyes burning into the top of my head. She must be glaring my way, wondering why I’m so cozily sitting alone with him, and I smirk at how weirdly backward this is.
I reach forward and deliberately pull the glass beside the water jug towards me and pause as Jyeon jumps up. He leans over, takes the pitcher himself, and pours it for me before sliding the glass fully my way. Attentive to my needs and making a show of caring for me.
I catch sight of her naked legs under a short navy pencil skirt, move to the couch beside him, and start to sit. My inner stomach tightened, and my fists clenched, seeing them side by side this way. It brings back so many awful memories.
“Over there,” Jyeon commands her, and I flinch enough that I glance up and see her crestfallen and openly surprised expression locked onto his face. Jyeon ignores her and sits back in his seat, gesturing with his hand for her to go to the single armchair at the end of the two couches we are using. Seemingly dismissing her so she can’t be beside him or face-on with me. She hesitates, makes a subtle snort, glares my way, and then marches off and thrashes herself down in the seat. Very obviously pissed at his order.
“Why am I here? Why is she here? What’s this all about? We have an event downstairs to oversee and attend!” I can feel her gaze on me, and the venom in her voice is thick. Snooty and entitled, thinking she has more right in this office than I do, I sit back and cradle my glass without looking her way. The old me would know her place and act seamlessly, like a Queen, putting her to rights, but this version is so over her head. I catch Jyeon focused on me, back in his original position, and notice a slight softening in his eyes as if trying to tell me to relax.