For some time, we silently savor the wine. Each in our own thoughts and worries. I ache for this girl, for what she had to endure because of my father. It’s shameful that I’m even of the same blood as him. I hurt knowing that both of us have, in some sense, been trapped because of Diky and the actions of his brothers. It hurts that I’m a pawn in a game where revenge is the main dish. It hurts that Vlad and Timur had to go through loss and shock... while I’ve just become a mere bargaining chip in this situation. No one needs Julianna...
— Do you know where Vlad is? — I ask quietly.
Milana scrutinizes my face, a slight smile playing on her lips. I’m surprised by how much she resembles her brothers while also being completely different.
— I know where Timur is.
— At "AMB"? — I say doubtfully.
— Pff, think bigger. He’s with your mother. At least that’s what I managed to extract from him. I can’t get through to Vlad at all, his phone is off.
— Off? — I ask again.
— You make a great wife, — she snorts. — You haven’t even called him? How long has it been, a week?
I take a sip of my wine.
— A month.
— You haven’t seen each other for a month and you don’t know where he is?!
— Same goes for me, — I huff. — Where’s your brother?
Milana immediately deflates:
— I’m not arguing. Haven’t spoken to him in a week. Listen, what a disgusting day it is, and I had to hear a bunch of tearful stories, from you and from myself. Don’t you want to let loose?
— I’m not going to "Rai"! — I cut in.
— Ahem. I don’t go there either. Vlad thinks I'm still going, but I’m not an idiot. Let's go to a club. We’ll get drunk. We’ll get to know each other better. What do you say, huh? Can you, obedient little girl?
She’s expecting a refusal, I can see that clearly in her eyes. She’s literally ready to hear my “no” and will be pleased to confirm that I’m submissive. But I want more. I want to stop hesitating every time something appears on the horizon that might anger Diky or Svyatyi. After all, I’m no longer Diky’s daughter; I decided that after his last atrocities. And I... breathe as Vlad’s temporary wife, so I shouldn’t care whether he likes my outing or not.
— I can. Are we going already?
— On your dime. What do you live on, by the way?
— A card, and Vlad leaves money with notes in the kitchen.
— Aha, he comes home. Well, great. So, he hasn't disappeared. Then let's go? By the way, — we both get up from the bed and leave the bedroom. — Can I not call you Julianna? It’s so long. We can shorten it to Yuli, for example. You... — she turns and looks me in the eyes. I interrupt her.
— Julianna.
The girl raises her eyebrows, but doesn’t argue.
— Okay. Julianna it is. Let’s go.
We take a taxi to a cool place, according to Milana. We don’t stay silent. She asks about my studies, shares that she’s in choreography, so if I need a dancing master class, she’d gladly show me. It’s as if after the confession in Svyatyi’s apartment, something has changed. Or perhaps the girl is really like this; she just didn’t like me before. And now, knowing the truth, she treats me differently...
When the car stops in front of a building on the other side of town, and we step out onto the street, I look up in surprise at its three floors. I’ve never been here before.
— Is it okay that it’s broad daylight? — I say slowly.
— It’s fine. There’s a different atmosphere there, — Milana strides ahead eagerly, not waiting for me.
I sigh. Well, I'm to blame... The wine is boiling in my blood, wanting to burst out of my body as adrenaline, not nausea. So, I hurriedly follow.
As soon as I enter the venue, I realize that the facade looks like offices. In reality, behind the darkened glass hides a completely different world. Black walls and floors greet us first. Also, a few men in uniforms that resemble security. They stand in front of a double door entrance. I initially didn’t even notice behind them that those were doors at all since they were painted black like the walls. They let us through; as soon as Milana shows something, they unlock the path to the new world with their stone-faced expressions.
— It’s good when you have a club card, — the girl says as she eagerly moves ahead.
I don’t know what I expected to see here, but definitely not a regular party in broad daylight. There are quite a lot of people. Balconies hang over us from above. The interior is black as well, but the matte walls blend with the glass ones. The darkness is spiced with golden and silver flashes of light. The music is playing quite loudly, but it’s not overwhelming. The dance floor is packed with visitors. In its corners are cages with little ones. Milana must dance here too.
— To the bar. Then dancing, — she takes my hand and pulls me along.
Almost the entire staff we pass greets the girl, thus confirming my thoughts about her dancing here.
— We’ll have tequila, — she orders immediately as we take our place in front of the bartender.
A tall guy with tattoos and a girl with blue hair and pierced lips quickly fulfill the order.
— Who did you bring, Mi? — the blue-haired girl asks Vlad’s sister. I notice that under the blue, there's green peeking through.
— A bride, — she declares joyfully.
— Is your brother busy? I hope he’s not my favorite?
— Timur is free as the wind in the field, — she laughs.
— Oh, so you’re with Vlad, — the bartender looks at me. — How did you find the approach? He was here once... — she leans on the counter to get closer to me. — He ignored everything and didn’t enjoy himself at all.
— I didn’t find it, — I sigh.
— Love, — she nods, as if understanding. — Girls always choose something dangerous. I’ll drink with you!
The bartender goes off to serve the rest of the guests, but the girl stays. We take the tequila and she orders more.
— Does Vlad know you’re here? — she glances over us with Milana.
— No, — I cut in.
She laughs and raises her eyebrows:
— Then it’s clear. Milana, are you breaking the rules again?
— How else to have fun? — the girl huffs. — Julianna understands the same thing I do — she looks at me, — breaking Vlad’s rules is pure pleasure.
I look back in surprise. So, she can’t come here?... Perhaps as I can’t go to "Rai"? Is it the past that makes her behave like this? Timur said she threw herself into the fray? Is that what he meant? I guess she’s just numbing her pain the way she knows how. I don’t know what their family relationships are like inside? Yes, the brothers protect their sister, but do they understand the depth of her suffering? Do they know that the death of their mother and then her rape shattered her completely? At least, that’s what I see. A shattered soul always recognizes another… like it.
— Sometimes it’s worth it, — I throw in ambiguously, — to break the rules.
— Oh, so the older brother got himself a brave girl! — the bartender laughs cheerfully. I guess she knows about Svyatyi and Dobry through their sister's stories. They must be friends with Milana.
I huff and down a new shot of tequila. I didn’t know Vlad was the eldest. And I... brave. Just as brave as the timid doe he calls me.
We talk and talk, about everything in the world. Alcohol flows like a river. My brain is foggy. At some point, Milana pulls me to the dance floor and we release energy into the space around us together. Adrenaline churns in my blood, pleading for release, begging for some way to set it free, so I dance even more energetically. Suddenly, everything goes dark before my eyes. I stop for a moment and grab onto someone, but it’s not Milana. She’s opposite me. I see her worried gaze. I hear her saying something, but I can’t make out the words.
— I’ll step out for a bit, — I mumble weakly and flee from the dance floor.
I walk quickly. Nausea rises to my throat. Someone grabs my hand, but I shake it off. Someone asks something, but I flee further. For some reason, I now acutely feel the pain from Vlad’s behavior and the prospects, or rather their absence, for us. As if the tequila was able to unveil wounds that I had been diligently numbing recently.
I’m surprised to find the restroom almost immediately. I rush in and hide in a stall. I sit on the toilet and, obeying the call of my heart, pull my phone from my bag. It screams for me to call Svyatyi again. Just to hear his voice. My brain refuses. It says it won’t make things better, only worse. It explains — Vlad doesn’t come home to avoid hurting me. Not only because he’s busy fulfilling promises and working. He cares for this unruly heart, which has missed him madly... He’s trying to minimize the pain... the one that he constantly inflicts, that exists because I have been adept at fantasizing about us.
Minutes tick by and I start to feel better. My vision clears, the nausea no longer constricts my throat. Desperately, I stare at my smartphone screen... Tap-tap. Tap-tap. What to do? Hide the phone or...?
My fingers obey my heart. They dial Svyatyi’s number faster than my brain registers it, and I hear the ringing. I haven’t called him in a month...