The heat from new hopes rises in the body like a wave. Adrenaline races through the blood. It mixes with alcohol and bubbles, like a geyser. Suddenly, does Vlad really feel jealous? Perhaps, despite everything, he truly feels jealous of Anton? Why then did he go to "Paradise"? To ask? To seek an answer to why we kissed? Maybe he disappeared not only because of business but also because he is afraid to cross the boundary with his heart? Timur said that the Saint was betrayed. Time has passed, but wounds do not always heal, they do not always mend. Scars remain after wounds, and some are quite deep; I know that for sure. Who better than me?...
I bitterly smile. Vlad is silent, waiting for an answer, but I have no strength to say anything. How can I, when hope burns between my ribs so fiercely and anew? I want to have it. I want to build pink castles full of dreams once again, where we are together, because Vlad is jealous of me. Most likely, he is jealous. He cares. He worries. He is digging this hole by his own words.
That's why he divides us so fiercely, isn't it? He thinks that I love him only because he was first in almost every sense. He believes that this feeling is deceptive, invented by me out of gratitude. That's why I kissed Anton... He thinks I liked my classmate. He thinks that time will pass and I will forget everything that was between us.
For these reasons, he constantly emphasizes that our marriage is temporary. Not only as a revenge for his sister, his own game in which I was just a pawn without which there would be no arrangement. Not just because he plans to leave... That is, yes, he plans to leave me. He plans to fulfill the agreement, to give my mother and brother freedom, and disappear from my life. But... he is trying to deceive us both. He teaches me to be free, to fight for myself, to say "no", to know for sure — he will leave, and I will be able to defend myself.
The Saint is scared. Scared that the game of revenge has turned into something more. Scared that he is stuck in this up to his ears and now doesn’t know how to leave me. Scared that he worries about the girl to whom he himself plunged knives in the back. I will not speak of love. I won’t even hope for it, because Vlad is not the type of man who easily succumbs to emotions. However, I allow a little drop of hope to flicker in my heart for something more. Who knows, maybe he won't leave when everything is over?...
— Admit that you’re jealous, — I say confidently. — Admit that you are only saying you will leave, Vlad. Admit that the desire to teach me to defend myself is not driven by passion. — I add quietly, almost whispering. — But by other feelings.
A short laugh sounds on the line. Not indifferent or mocking. Not full of arrogance or confidence that I am wrong. It is an open, sincere laugh acknowledging the truth.
— How much have you had to drink? I will come and pick you up.
— No, that's not how it works, — I smile too. The pain that was at the beginning of the conversation quiets down. Like a stormy wind, which, like everything in the world, has a beginning and an end.
I am surprised at how it turns out like this. A moment ago, the Saint threw me into oblivion, and now he has lifted me to the heavens without even straining. It is still me. My emotions. Conclusions and guesses. A moment ago I considered myself unnecessary, and now I am more than sure that the Saint feels for me not only passion. Can a person who is not emotionally attached care this much and worry about another's future, if they are indifferent?
— Yuliana, — he sighs.
— You’re jealous, — I interrupt and repeat. — Then, about Anton. You’re confusing me. You say everything is temporary, that we are bound by an agreement, yet you still feel jealous! You said you wanted me to stop enduring. I have stopped.
— You’ve only just started, — he inserts. — To learn.
— Then you can't leave. How can you leave if learning doesn’t take a few months? You have to teach everything you know.
— I didn’t think alcohol would loosen my Timid Fawn’s tongue so much, — he says sweetly and softly.
Suddenly, there’s a short beep. The Saint hung up. In shock, all thoughts disappear. For a few minutes, I stare blankly at the phone screen. I don’t understand what just happened. I did not think Vlad could ever act like that and hang up. We didn’t finish our conversation. I didn’t say everything I wanted to.
It’s hard to tell how much time I spend in the toilet stall, but at some point, I hear Milana’s voice outside the door:
— Hey, Yuliana, are you alive? My brother will eat me if his wife breaks literally all the rules! This is Vlad, have some conscience! It’s better not to anger him.
I grunt. I stand up and unlock the door. I lean against the wall and look at the bewildered girl. Who knew it would all start with her and my monster father? One event affected so many lives. For the better? I think so. It's enough to see pain and broken dreams in everything. It's enough to suffer; I've been doing that my whole life. Vlad is jealous of me, and that’s wonderful! Maybe... I have a chance for the future. Vlad is doing everything for my mother to be free, and the Wild to be punished. This means that in any case, my life is getting better. He has fulfilled my dreams. I am living the life of a normal girl. I have a husband who protects me. I have financial means. I have a family. So, I should stop looking for negativity in everything. I need to be like Milana — to live life to the fullest despite everything that breaks.
— I thought you were a quiet mouse, — she says slowly, looking at me suspiciously. — Not good?
— Wonderful! — I cheerfully declare. — I talked with Vlad.
Milana mumbles something in shock.
— And?
— He is jealous of me, — I smile widely. — Jealous, even though he says he will leave.
— What, did you fall for my brother? — she asks suspiciously.
I nod at her and step forward. My legs are weak, but in the time spent in the stall, I have made so many discoveries. Again. Just like then, on the porch with Timur, and then when I thought I wouldn’t be able to hold on after the Saint leaves.
— Up to my ears, — I whisper. — You can’t imagine how much.
The Saint’s sister steps closer.
— Yuliana, — she shakes her head. — He’s my brother, I love him with all my heart, but… Are you sure this is wise? I thought that between you… absolutely nothing.
I exhale. My head is spinning, yet in my heart is a tiny drop of hope. So tiny, yet so palpable. It almost screams that everything can still change. Maybe there won’t be a need to suffer… to go through separation, to have the absence of a husband in my life. Maybe he will realize what I have understood and accept…
— We’ve slept together, more than once. — I say firmly. — I threw up, and he washed me. He taught me to paint. He bought canvases. He let me be in the studio. He hugged me when I was scared…
I speak. I recall all the moments connected with the Saint. I talk about the agreement in more detail, about my own hopes and their destruction, and then restoration. I share what I feel. Even about Katrin I tell. Milana’s blue eyes grow wider, filled with disbelief and shock. As if she did not expect Vlad to be like this. Anyone, but not him. She did not expect that it would be like this between us.
— I don’t even know what to say, — she says slowly. — My brother wouldn’t give his heart to anyone. He… Listen, you’re just shocking me.
She walks to the sink and leans against it with her hands. She turns on the water and looks at me through the mirror for a few minutes.
— So, you confessed your love to him, and he decided that all of this is because he is your first in everything? Hmm… logical, as for Vlad. And then he got jealous. I know where he disappears to. — She abruptly turns to me.
— To another? — I whisper.
— Pfft, no. He has more than one apartment. There is another one. There’s one he goes to. Neither I nor Timur visit there. And he loves. He lived there with Mom once…
— I thought he was with someone else, although I never voiced it, not even to myself, — I mumble. The alcohol finally dissipating from my system.
— I like you, — she declares. — We spent the day together, yet it feels like an eternity, — she winks. — Do you want me to help?
— With what?
— To stay with Vlad, of course. You said he teaches you to say “no”, not to be obedient, and such. Let’s create a storm for him. Let him see that after your mother’s release, he should be yours. How long can someone be alone? And you’re a good option.
— Well, thank you.
— I’m serious. Yes, a bit stiff, but if it weren’t for you, nothing would have happened. You are the main one in this scheme, do you understand? To get revenge on the Wild, it would have to be done in some other way, but thanks to you, everything turned out perfectly and simply, as I see it. I don’t know what the second part of the plan is, but you should be ready for anything. — Milana’s blue eyes light up. — I want to say that Vlad won’t stop only at freeing your mom. Most likely, it’s part of the first stage… So, if you truly love my brother, we can play our game where he won’t be able to leave you. You could say you’re pregnant, for instance? Huh?
— No. No! What are you talking about! This… This isn’t for me. Let’s not.
Milana raises her eyebrows.
— There’s no fire in you. You need to go clubbing more often. So, should we tease my brother? You’ll go in as a little artist, huh?